True Brit: 10 tips to enjoy London like a local
Barry Neild, CNN • Updated 14th July 2017
(CNN) — Dating back 2,000 years, and with more than 300 languages, London can be an overwhelming prospect for the tourist. But it is possible to spend time in London without looking and feeling awkward and out of place.
You just need to follow our 10 tips for taking on London like a local does:
1. How to enjoy the culture
Forget the stuff in the gallery and hit Twitter instead.
London is home to some of the planet's best art galleries, theaters and historical sites. To be a true Londoner, you must ignore these entirely. Traipsing around the Tate Modern or the Natural History Museum is strictly for tourists. Locals know these places exist, intend to visit them one day, but somehow never get around to it.
Instead, true Londoners find the best way of experiencing the rich culture their city has to offer is to leaf through the pages of a listings magazine -- or trawling Twitter -- idly bookmarking events that they know, deep down, they will never bother buying tickets for.
2. How to eat a balanced diet
Drinking instead of eating -- a great British pastime.
A common misconception among newcomers is that an evening out in London will involve a meal. Failure to prepare for this can lead to lightheadedness, nausea and kebabs.
If someone suggests going for a drink after work, they mean drink and nothing else. Booze will be bought in quantity and at no time will the issue of dinner raise its ugly head. To avoid a woozy stagger home via a frightening fast-food outlet, the sensible socialite takes dietary precautions.
It is acceptable to order prepackaged bar snacks such as crisps (potato chips) or peanuts to soak up some of the alcohol. Alternatively, try ordering drinks that offer a sliver of nutritional value, like a pint of London Pride beer or a cocktail with an olive.
In some bars you may see something called "Pork Scratchings" for sale. These are not for you.
3. How to speak
It's the Queen's English, innit.
Forget cockney rhyming slang. Few people outside Disney films talk about climbing the "apples and pears" or talking on the "dog and bone." Try this and you will be laughed out of the "rub-a-dub" -- or as Londoners call it, the pub.
The secret to blending in with locals lies solely in the use of one word: "innit" -- a colloquial abbreviation of "isn't it?"
Confusingly, although "innit" implies a query, this uniquely London method of punctuating sentences is a purely rhetorical device.
Thus, "time for drink, innit?" is wrong, but "I've had four pints and no dinner, innit" is grammatically perfect.
4. How to shop
The sophisticated shops of Paris are just a train ride away.
Sure, you can follow the crowds down Oxford Street in search of designer labels at Selfridges department store or low cost fashions at Topshop. You can even trawl the eastern hipster districts for some retro cool.
But, when they're not buying online, most Londoners know there's really only one place to do their shopping: Paris.
5. How to cross the river
North vs South London. Where do your allegiances lie?
Easy -- just use one of the numerous bridges that span the Thames, right? Wrong!
A true Londoner does not cross the river unless forced by violence, employment, or the lure of alcohol. Only bad things lie on the other side.
South (pronounced "Sarf") Londoners stay south, north Londoners stay north. The river that separates them might as well be a gulf as deep and yawning as the Grand Canyon. A long-distance relationship linking lovers in Stuttgart and Seoul has more chance of lasting than one between a couple divided by the mighty Thames.
6. How to dodge the chuggers
Beware of a chugger with a smile.
It's a commonly asserted fact that you're never more than a meter away from a rat in London. The same can be said of "chuggers," or charity muggers.
Chuggers lurk on most street corners of the city. Here they attempt to get unsuspecting citizens to sign away their cash by overwhelming them with relentless enthusiasm and bonhomie. It's all perfectly legal, and most of your money will go to a good cause, but if you succumb to every single chugger you'll be penniless by the time you reach the pub.
Most Londoners have developed evasion techniques to avoid falling into cheery chugger traps. The best is to pretend not to be Londoner. If you don't have a British bank account, you're chugger-proof.
7. How to get intimate with strangers
No. 1 rule: don't make eye-contact.
When you're not being chugged, London can be a lonely city. Locals tend to hang around in impenetrable cliques, making it hard to get acquainted.
Anyone feeling starved of human contact should head into the bowels of the Tube -- the London Underground rail system -- during rush hour. This is when commuters stack into train carriages like a human version of Tetris. Every conceivable space is filled. Bodies press against bodies. Limbs intertwine with limbs.
Despite the intimacy of these encounters (some marriages never achieve the levels of physical contact found on the Underground), it is an important rule of Tube etiquette not to acknowledge them.
So, even when you find a stranger inadvertently wedged into crevices of your body that you never knew existed, under no circumstances must you look them in the eye.
8. How to survive the night bus
London's Night Bus -- not as glamorous as the photograph implies.
The Night Tube might now be a thing -- but the night bus remains an unlikely London icon.
For all its crowds, grunge and frequent signaling failures at obscure stations such as High Barnet or Cockfosters, when compared with the night bus, the London Underground represents the height of luxury travel.
Night buses are the last resort; the creaking life rafts that bear disaster survivors across the treacherous ocean that is suburban London in the wee hours. Journeys that take 20 minutes by Tube, can take up to 48 hours on the night bus. During this time, the sun will not rise and many on board will either perish or get off and walk.
To survive this ordeal it is crucial to remain awake at all costs. Listen to loud i-Pod music, engage in rambling conversations with other passengers or play dodge the empty vodka bottle as it trundles towards you across the floor.
If you do succumb to sleep, expect to be woken up as the driver gleefully turfs you out at the end of the line -- usually a dark lane deep in the countryside.
You're a long way from London now, innit.
9. You'll fork out for a pint
Savor every last drop -- it costs you a lot.
Ah London -- the city where buying a tiny flat costs you more than buying a mansion elsewhere in Britain. Everything's pretty pricey -- but once you move here, you'll scare yourself with how quickly you become accustomed to how much cash you'll splash for a humble pint.
10. How to survive summer
Any sign of sunshine and this will be a common sight.
Hot weather is never a guarantee in perpetually rainy England -- so the first signs of sunshine and Londoners will be basking in the capital's parks, tops off and sunburn showing.
The trick to fitting in is to follow suit.
Sunny spring day? Inexplicably hit the lido (despite the weather barely hitting the 70s) and organize a BBQ or picnic as soon as possible. Show off your sunburn the next day and look forward to the next bout of hot weather-- in approximately one year's time.
Barry Neild is Editor at CNN Travel
Editor's note: This article was previously published in 2012. It was reformatted, updated and republished in 2017.
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