The cabinet - Report, summer 2017

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With rumour swirling, gossip in the air about the cabinet, it is hard to work out what is really going on. Since Mrs May didn't really win the prize she was expecting, ministers have become an unruly lot. Tomorrow, they're all going to get a telling off (with apologies to the truth).

Why is she so cross?

David wants her job, although he says that he doesn't and isn't thinking about it, it's only his friends getting excited.

Boris wants the job too, although he says he doesn't want it yet, and guess what, it's only his friends getting a bit excited.

This excitement sometimes involves those friends saying rude things about the other one.

Neither of them, nor any of their friends, want Philip to get the job.

Some of Philip's friends want him to get the job, but maybe he's not so sure. What he really wants is to stay in charge of the money, whoever has the big job.

Philip doesn't trust or like Michael very much.

Neither, really, does Theresa like Michael very much. But lots of people think he is clever and he likes Brexit.

So does Boris, who used to like Michael a lot.

Then Michael was really mean to Boris and it hurt his feelings a lot. They'll probably never go to each other's houses again for dinner but they may not quite feel like poisoning the other's dinner.

Then there's Liam, who also likes Brexit a lot.

He likes running for the big job. He says he doesn't want that opportunity to come up, but if it does, he might well have another go because he likes doing it so much.

There's also Andrea, who smiles a lot and likes Brexit, a lot. She didn't really enjoy going for the big job last time, but if it happens again, the chance to run again might make her smile, a lot.

Then there's the newer gang, like Priti, who also likes Brexit and might like to try for the big job one day.

So might Sajid, who doesn't really like Brexit that much, but might want to join in the big race too.

And don't forget Amber, who Philip and David are apparently trying to get into their gang - but it's tricky because she doesn't like Brexit and could also fancy having a go at the top post too one day, although she'd probably need to make a few more friends in her home town.

And there's Patrick, who didn't like Brexit either. No one really wants to be friends with him at the moment. He was meant to be in charge of trying to win the big prize but that didn't quite go according to plan.

Then there are Greg, Karen, Justine, Michael number two, David number two, Jeremy,David number three, Alun and yes, David number four.

None of them really like Brexit very much.

Most of them (apart from David number three) would also like Philip (remember him?) to write some bigger cheques for their departments.

But he isn't really in the mood to do that, remember. He wants to stay in charge of the money, whoever has the big job.

Then there is James, who also didn't like the idea of Brexit but has an almost even harder project in Belfast.

There are also Liz and Brandon. She used to have to worry about cheese, he now has to worry about immigration.

Neither of them really liked Brexit either but are, you guessed it "getting on with the job".

And Chris, who really loves the idea of Brexit and is in charge of trains. He says he doesn't want Philip or Boris or David (number one) to be making trouble.

There's also Natalie, who has to explain to another lot who get to wear red velvet cloaks (honest) what all of the above are trying to achieve. (That's a good question)

Then there is Damien, who really didn't like the idea of Brexit but who is really important because Theresa isn't cross with him.

In fact, she trusts him and my goodness, that doesn't happen very often.

Last of course there is Theresa who, while being cross with this lot, is probably still cross with herself, and most likely peeved with Nick and Fi, but that's another story.

The public might well think they all must try much harder.